| <3 |
[01 Nov 2004|10:20am] |
new journal....
selfish_things
i've added some of you, but add me anyway.. i didnt get to everyone!
it will be a lot of private entries, like this one.. but i'll try to put up some public and friends only posts too..
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[24 Oct 2004|08:45pm] |
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music |
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hillary duff XD |
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practical use for legwarmers, when they're not on your legs..( .. )
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| rut. |
[17 Oct 2004|02:08pm] |
text message from katherine: CHIN UP GIRL FACE. I'LL GIVE YOU ALL THE HUGS YOU NEED.
*something old: this love. this stale old love. my attention to detail; your [un]willingness to oblige.
*something new: the sound of the phone ringing at 2am.. and admitting i'm not happy here.
*something borrowed: a red ink tattoo around my heart. not all things are permanent, some can be washed away.
* something blue: the way your eyes look when you look at me. the way i smile but have to turn away; the way you hesitate.. the way i sit here.
and we've made such a mess for ourselves that we cant face each other, face to face, in the everyday.
i'm working harder on avoiding it altogether.
but its hard to avoid something thats tied to you like an anchor. self tied. with the strongest of double and triple knots.
- - - -
have i really isolated myself so? this box used to feel bigger, somehow.. have i really become so picky as to exclude everyone? have i really made it so that i only spend my social time in one bar, in one place, with a handful of friends and a sea of familiar faces [that will always remain unknown, to a point; and unattainable]? how..when..why did i think that this was a good road to go down... i spend my nights alone eating soup out of a can, staring at my computer screen, making useless conversation with friends i could just as easily (or sometimes not) be around otherwise. what happened to the spending time together, shopping, eating out [regardless of having any money or not..]? people are still there, i'm just not reaching out to them. and i need them; the air has grown stale here, i'm uncomfortable. and i can only blame myself for that, for not trying, for not even making the smallest effort. i find comfort in all of the wrong things.
if i have lost you along the way, please let me know if you still hear me.
i dont always like being social, but i like being with my friends. i miss being with them all the time, but thats what happens i guess when you leave school.. i should have done a better job at keeping in touch with people. i should have done a better job at actually being a friend.. sometimes i'm so easy to get along with, and i make friends so easily. other times all i care about is myself. ...i miss having a boyfriend, but i'm so fucked up scared that i wont like people, to even attempt to find someone i might like. the people i do like, i wont approach. sometimes because i know better, and sometimes because i dont think that they'll like me. i've turned away boys, perfectly nice ones (and some not so much...) just because i've thought they only wanted to get in my pants. i shouldnt flatter myself so much... ...i've always just sort of fallen upon love, but i cant always wait for it to find me. and i cant always worry that i dont have something to offer..
its hard when you realize you hang out with the same 3 or 4 people all the time.. doing the same things all the time.. always go to the same bar all the time.. being drunk way too often.. spend free time doing things like reading or going for walks and taking pictures, or catching up on sleep... sometimes i feel like life should be way more interesting than it is, and i envy anyone who has found their niche. i guess i should blame myself for that, i cant expect everything to just come to me..
i am so lucky to have the friends that i see often... but what about all the rest that i used to see so often that i havent seen in what feels like forever? and i'm not saying that i dont like going to the big easy once or twice a week with the people i go with. i'm lucky that i have such good friends to sit around and drink beers with, to listen to good music with, to get dressed up to go with. the people that i see when i'm there [even if they're not all that i would consider "friends"] fill that temporary space for socialness... its just the other 5 nights a week that i know i should be filling with more. maybe i ask too much of my friends and dont give enough in return.. but why have i decided i'd rather live this way?
this is not THEN. i am not surrounded by everyone i want to see, at all times. i do not have someone to come keep me company in bed. i certainly do not have either of those things, and sometimes i fear i dont know how to get them.
this is no pitty party, i just know i need to change some things. soon.
tomorrow: no bar for me. dinner/shopping date with alison after work.
tuesday: (no need for hangover recouperation) * coffee with julianna (finally) at noontime
wednesday: the bar for The Awesome with jameson, bobbi, michaela(?), & calvin(?) [and a big hug from katherine]
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[13 Oct 2004|09:56pm] |
<3
 
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| legwarmers&earrings// |
[06 Oct 2004|05:09pm] |
something sweet or something strong
seems like love no longer can turn me on
like boy need girl & girl need boy
got a nasty habit called rock'n'roll.
( + + )
rock'n'roll.
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| all secrets sleep in winter clothes, with one you loved so long ago. |
[19 Sep 2004|10:11pm] |
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And sometimes when you're on, you're really fucking on
And your friends they sing along and they love you
But the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence
But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to and you'll show up to work with a smile
You'll be better and you'll be smarter and more grown up
And a better daughter or son and a real good friend
And you'll be awake, you'll be alert, you'll be positive though it hurts
And you'll laugh and embrace all your friends
You'll be a real good listener, you'll be honest, you'll be brave
You'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful
You'll be happy
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| [theres beauty in the breakdown.] |
[14 Sep 2004|11:20am] |
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music |
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frou frou 'let go' ///on repeat |
] |
lets not even talk about how long i've had this song on repeat this morning..
after work last night, alison and i went to see garden state. we both needed diversions (though neither of us would admit it, i dont think). we pretended we were on a date, shared a soda (though obviously the straw had cooties after i used it). i wasnt sure what to expect from the movie, everyone had been telling me to go because its amazing. to go because i would understand it. go because it would make me realize things about my life that are hard to realize sometimes.
well, mission accomplished.
as good as it was to see one of my best friends laugh more than i'd seen her laugh in a week, i ended the movie with tears. not a lot of crying, just enough to feel scattered when i left the theater. strange how a little hour and a half movie makes you want to put your life in order, as quickly as you can. the scene where they are hugging in the bathtub, i left the movie wanting that. needing it. the scene where they're talking about life, and how this is it, and you just have to try. i left thinking - this is how i want my life??
phil and i were talking just the other night about how these are the Lost Years. your mid twenties where everyone wants you to be happy and secure, to have a good job, to be looking towards the future.. but its so hard to grasp where you want to be. its like you can see it, but the reaching it is the hard part. how its ok to not even know what you want to be reaching for. sometimes you just have to take what comes along and make it yours. sometimes you just have to take what comes along and make mistakes to know what you really want to be or be doing. people are going to worry about you and want to protect you, but all in all no one can make decions for you, because its your life.
(so let go)
so let go
mmm, jump in
oh well whatcha waiting for?
it's alright,
'cuz there's beauty
in the breakdown.
(so let go)
yeah, let go
just get in
oh it's so amazing here.
it's alright,
'cuz there's beauty
in the breakdown.
love in movies is never portrayed realistically. but i felt that. that instant friendship, instant comfort. instant safe feeling. its easy to make yourself at home with people. with the idea of people. with the comfort you can give yourself knowing they're there, even if they're not really. how lucky some must be to really find that, and to know it will never leave.
i've been avoiding the bar, yes. two people yesterday said "see you tonight!" knowing that monday nights that is where i am. but last night i couldnt bring myself to go. i had half hoped that jameson would call me and say he was going, so that i would have a reason to be there, but i never heard from him. i hate to think that i've been avoiding one of my favorite places, but its not comfortable there any more. its not the place it used to be, for me. theres too much animosity and emotion there. i wish that i could say that wasnt my fault, but i know it is.
phil asked me why i keep cutting my hair. he caught me off guard, and i said, 'because i get bored and frustrated.' he told me to read a book. i said that i read about a book a week. he asked, "so nothing satisfies you??"
i guess not.
and i know i cant avoid it forever..the emotion, that is. its not about the beer or the booze or the music. its about the faces i see when i go. its about the faces i cant see anymore without feeling defeated. i dont feel the hate i keep talking about, i use that as a front..if i say that i hate him, then maybe eventually i'll believe it. but that wont happen, and i know that. i save hate for those i dont know well enough to forgive. when we left Javanet last night, we walked by the bar. i tried not to look in, because after all, i'm trying not to see those faces, right? luckily we were walking too fast for me to notice.
when we got up to the corner, the lights in andrew's dad's store were on. i only noticed this because it was past 930 at night, and they close hours before that. i peeked in the window and saw movement. i crouched down to get a better look, and alison asked if it was his dad.. but i said, "no... its smange, cleaning." i watched him for a minute and then we continued walking. i made some smartass remark about how embarassing it must be for the rich boy to be cleaning up daddy's store after hours, but i thought about it later. and i thought about how all these hurtful things come out of my mouth that i dont really mean. i dont mean them, but i say them anyway.
he used to love to clean. i forget things like this sometimes. he would clean the quad when everyone was gone, just to be able to use his hands at something useful. he'd drag the furntiture into the hallway and vaccuum the rug. put everything back just the way it was before. do something with all his nervous energy. and i almost felt bad when i saw him through the little window last night, with his headphones on, wiping off the counter. because i know he's not happy, even though we havent been talking. he cant hold a regular job like everyone else, in retail or at the coffee shop, because he'd rather be doing something solitary. much like his philosophy on relationships, he'd just rather be alone. i cant be mad at him for that. i can forgive him for it though. is it my fault that we cant be normal friends? no, probably not. but it certainly isnt his fault either. sometimes thats just LIFE.
we both know that he'll have a hard time finding anyone else to care for him the way i did/do/will, but i can only hope that he finds someone to come close. eventually he'll realize that being alone isnt all its cracked up to be.
and eventually i'll realize that too.
i spent so much time yesterday rehashing everything that happened the night before with phil. why does he knock on my door and ask me out for beers, only to come back here and ignore the movie with our hands all over each other? does he plan it out first before he knocks... or is it just something that happens post-bar... is it that he really wants something to happen.. or is it just because i have a hard time saying no...
i dont want to get too caught up this idea.
because i want something that i can count on.
i've spent so long chasing after things that i know i couldnt count on to save my life.. so when do i put my foot down and demand that if i'm going to get something then i'm going to get it all the way? dont put one foot in and leave one foot out. just jump in.. and stay in.
how is it that two months ago phil told me he wasnt in a good place with himself, and that he felt selfish and couldnt give me anything. and now.. now he comes around - does he think i've forgotten that he said that? has he changed since then? its hard to believe, if that is the case. though i suppose i have little epiphanies about my life once a week, i suppose its easier for those less stubborn than i to change more easily.. its nice to have someone physically pay attention to me. but my heart needs attention more than anything else. i've gotten love in such spurts..
friday night is The Awesome, and i'll be there. i promised katherine. and i want to go have fun with my friends and dance around and have a couple of drinks. but i know my heart will be trying to fly out of my throat everytime i refuse to go out for a cigarette. i use them to calm me down. to keep my hands and mouth busy when we're outside with everyone and i'm being stared at out of the corner of his eye. i need to be strong enough to stand out there by myeslf, because if i cant pull myself together for the two or three minutes it takes to smoke a cigarette, then how on earth can i say that i deserve anyone to love me?
i'm the only one that can make things right in my life. and if everyone else wants to comply, then thats fine. if they dont, then i have to learn to let go. alison told me she wasnt happy with phil's "post coital" interaction with me at javanet last night.. but i said to her, "it was fine. if i dont expect much then i cant be let down."
i always expect so much from everyone.
i should learn to expect more from myself.
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| [i havent been all that well, lately.] |
[08 Sep 2004|04:24pm] |
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I don't want to get too close
I don't want to get too close
You see this isn't where my head is
If you knew me I'm not like this
So before this goes too far
Let me tell you what you are
You're amazing, I'm attracted
But I'm terribly distracted
& I'm trying to be verbal
& I'm back into this circle
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| & you said & you said.. |
[05 Sep 2004|08:01pm] |
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music |
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tori amos//i cant see ny |
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( i'm circling down thru white cloud )
i kept thinking that i had something i wanted to write here.
and i realized its all been said before.
attempting to find something to eat.
polishing off a small amount of alcohol.
passing the time.
there are times when i know.. i know.
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| why cant we drink forever? i just want to start this over. |
[04 Sep 2004|10:43pm] |
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half feel like crying, half feel like falling asleep.
took a shower, ate a can of spagettios.
extended invitations, sat and watched the clock.
some nights i cant keep myself occupied.
picked up and put down three different books.
i want company and conversation. i want a hug.
i want .
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[03 Sep 2004|01:41am] |
worked all day.
spent the evening at the hospital. emergency room, blehh. mom's sick.
went to the big easy for the awesome to take my mind off it.
2 beers, and i'm going to sleep.
much thanks to katherine for the love
hache for finishing my beer
and michaela and keith for keeping me company.
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[25 Aug 2004|07:01pm] |
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music |
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foreigner - i want to know what love is/ |
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80s night, here we go...
i feel good and ready. i'm not in 80s attire, but i feel good.
heading off to get some dinner somewhere, maybe stop into the toy store, and then spend some time with andi at javanet. wait for kris. meet up with bobbi. should be nothing short of interesting, as always.
( i want to know what love is... )
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| you have not been paying attention///////////// |
[17 Aug 2004|10:02pm] |
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music |
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radiohead// hail to the thief album |
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my skin smells of coconut & nicotine
..still tastes of vanilla & old loves,
but you,
you feel the same
as always.
---
( + + )</center>
there's a gap in between
there's a gap where we meet
where i end and you begin
and i'm sorry for us.
i can watch but not take part
where i end and where you start
where you, you left me alone
you left me alone.
X' will mark the place
like parting the waves
like a house falling in the sea.
i will eat you all alive
there'll be no more lies
--radiohead
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| Fiddy Cent |
[13 Aug 2004|10:51pm] |
i have such cute pets.
he stretches constantly. lazy little fucker!
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